Ending Marriage After Divorce
When two people divorce, there is often a great deal of hurt, anger and distrust between them. Both must cope with difficult feelings such as betrayal, rejection or failure. As a result, former spouses may continue to vent their anger and bitterness toward each other for years after the divorce.
Parent who cannot stop fighting with each other often cannot end their marriage either. Combative parents keep themselves linked together by remaining emotionally embroiled with each other. For litigious parents, the former spouse remains the emotional center of their universe, as their worlds are organized around controlling what the other parent is doing and getting back for the injustices the other has wrought. Psychologically ending the marriage entails a great deal more work than going through the legal process of divorce.
There are several aspects to internally ending the marriage. First, one must grieve or say good-by to the good things in the marriage that will be missed or that once were enjoyed. An inevitable sadness needs to be felt before the marriage can be fully left behind. Some parents grieve for the person who has gone; all parents mourn their unfulfilled hopes and dreams for the relationship. Embattled parents who cannot experience the losses evoked by the breakup or recognize their own contribution to the problems in the marriage may fear their sadness makes them one-down in the relationship or proves that the ex-spouse has “won” if they are hurt. To ward off such shame, they may be consumed by attempts to punish or control their former spouse and, unwittingly, use their children as pawns in the ensuing battle.
To truly end a marriage, parents also need to see their own contribution to the problems of the relationship. It really does take two people to have an argument. When parents begin to see how they share some responsibility for the problems in the marriage and stop putting all the blame for the breakup on the former spouse, they are truly ending the marriage and moving forward to a new life. Family members and well-meaning friends often express their support for one partner by criticizing the other; making it difficult for parents to learn from this experience and bring something new and better to the next relationship.
Parents cannot psychologically end the marriage quickly, however. The whole process may take several years, especially if it has been a long marriage. If parents can begin the internal work of ending the marriage, it will help them gain the emotional distance necessary to establish the most cooperative parenting relationship possible.
The above is taken from the book Helping Children Cope with Divorce, written by Edward Teyber
Benefits of Psychotherapy
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Many people find therapy to be a tremendous asset to managing personal growth, interpersonal relationships, family concerns, and the hassles of daily life. A number of benefits are available from participating in psychotherapy. Often it is helpful just to know that someone understands. Therapy can provide a fresh perspective on a difficult problem or point you in the direction of a solution. The benefits you obtain from therapy depend on how well you use the process and put into practice what you learn. As a matter of fact, in November 1995, Consumer Reports published an article with their conclusions after conducting an extensive independent survey of psychotherapy clients. A startling 90% of the 4,000 respondents reported that they were doing substantially better after treatment. What’s more, researchers found that individuals who were treated with psychotherapy alone achieved the same results as those treated with medication and therapy. A copy of this article can be read at: http://horan.asu.edu/cpy702readings/seligman/seligman.html.therapy. Psychotherapy can help you...
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Some Types of Psychotherapies
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Behavior therapy
This type of therapy focuses on helping the client understand how changing his/her behavior can eventually lead to changes in how they are feeling. Emphasis is made on focusing on increasing the person's engagement in positive or socially reinforcing activities. This approach carefully measures what the client is doing and then tries to increase the probability that he/she has positive experiences.
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Cognitive therapy
How we feel is determined by what we think - this is the theory behind cognitive therapy. For example, if a person has depression it may be the result of having the wrong thoughts and/or beliefs. If these faulty beliefs are corrected then the client's view of events and his/her emotional state may change for the better. According to several studies, people with depression often have erroneous beliefs about themselves - they may relate negative events to themselves without any evidence, they may see life situations in absolute terms (black and white), and they may see only the negative aspects of things and commonly distort the importance of particular events.
The way we think about things affects how we feel emotionally. Cognitive therapy's thrust is on our current thinking, behavior and communication, rather than looking into the past. -
Family therapy
A family therapist sees the client's symptoms in the context of the family. For example, if a client has depression, this could be because of an issue within the family, such as may be the case with a teenager whose parents are having marital problems. Cognitive therapy, behavior therapy, and especially interpersonal therapy may be employed in family therapy.
Family therapy identifies family patterns that contribute to behavior disorder or mental illness - it helps family members break those habits/patterns. It generally involves discussion and problem-solving sessions with the client and his/her family - session may be in a group, in couples, or one-to-one.
A therapist may explore past relationships and events and what impact these may have had on the client's emotional state. Often, family therapy focuses on improving communication within the family - clients are taught to listen, ask questions and respond openly rather than defensively.
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Interpersonal therapy
Here the client's interpersonal relationships are the focus. For example, a depressed client's problem may be treated by improving his/her communication patterns - how he/she relates to others may be having an impact on his/her depression. The therapist may start by helping the client identify what his emotion is and where it is coming from. The client will also be helped in learning how to express emotions in a healthy way. For example, if a client usually responds to a feeling of being neglected by his spouse with anger and sarcasm - this results in the spouse reacting negatively. The client will learn to express his hurt and anxiety calmly, increasing the chances that the spouse will react in a more positive way.
Interpersonal psychotherapy focuses on the client's relationship with family members and peers and the way the client sees himself/herself. It explores issues in relationships with other people. The aim is to help the client identify and modify interpersonal problems, understand them, and to manage relationship problems. -
Group therapy
In group therapy there are usually between 6 to 12 clients and one therapist in a session. All the clients have related problems. The clients benefit from the therapist, and also by observing how other clients suffer and respond to feedback. Getting feedback from other people with related problems gives the clients a different perspective and is frequently helpful in triggering improvement and change. -
Psychodynamic therapy
This is also called insight-oriented therapy. It focuses on the automatic processes as they are exhibited in a person's current behavior. This type of therapy aims to increase the client's self-awareness and understanding of the impact of the past on present behavior. It enables the client to take a good look at unresolved issues and symptoms that arise from past dysfunctional relationships and exhibit themselves in the need and desire to abuse substances.
Psychodynamic therapy helps people understand the roots of emotional distress, usually by exploring unconscious motives, needs and defenses.
5 Reasons Why You Should Try Premarital Counseling
The prospect of walking down the aisle can be intimidating especially when considering that more than fifty percent of all marriages fail. Research shows that couples benefit significantly from premarital counseling. Below are some of the reasons why.
1. Set out on your journey together with the same expectations.
Do you know your spouse-to-be's thoughts on family, career goals, finances? It's important to discuss practical matters like this before the big day. Therapy can offer a constructive environment to discuss your expectations, such as the number of children you would like, where you'd like to live, what your religious beliefs are, what your future goals are - and most importantly, where you both fit into these expectations. Exploring these plans now can avoid some serious heartache later, when you find that your partner's dream of traveling Europe conflicts with your goal of starting a family after the honeymoon.
2. Improve your communication - immediately.
Communication issues are one of the top reasons that married couples seek therapy. After years and years of marriage, however, learning to communicate effectively can start to feel impossible. Even though a qualified therapist might be able to help, many couples are resistant to seek help until it's too late. Taking preventative measures toward managing the health of your relationship is an important step to ensuring its longevity.
3. Break destructive patterns before they become too ingrained.
We are creatures of habit. When destructive patterns begin to form, it becomes difficult to break them once we're set in our ways. As time goes on, however, these cycles rarely disappear; if anything, they only strengthen. Breaking the cycle early helps prevent major breakdowns in trust, communication affection, and intimacy later on down the road.
4. Air out the skeletons in your closets.
Those secrets you're too ashamed or anxious to share have a curious way of sneaking up when you least expect it. Intimacy has a funny way of dredging up our demons. Sometimes, it's best to get them out in the open and deal with them directly, before they lead us into cycles that are often hard to break. A counselor can help foster a safe environment for facing these past experiences and making sure that they don't interfere with your future.
5. Take a close look at why you're getting married.
Sure, therapy can be hard work - but it's not all doom and gloom. Taking a close look at your relationship means you get to see what makes it so wonderful. When you unearth all the patterns, conflicts, and miscommunications, you expose the foundation that lay underneath - the love, trust, commitment, and friendship that made you decide to take this leap in the first place.